Whoo! I have a certificate! Look – here it is! Isn’t it funky?
Well, okay, it isn’t strictly mine, but I’m keeping it.
You see – in their misguided search for legitimacy (a desperate scrabble through the clag-riddled gutters of scamdom, covered in banana skins, badly worded contracts and the embers of the pyres of Fahrenheit 451 they tried to build the other month) the alleged Write Agenda have decided to award these certificates to authors who appear in TWA(t)’s self-aggrandising and barely coherent “untraditionally published authors best seller list”. This list, I should point out, is based entirely on Amazon rankings. More specifically, on Amazon.com rankings. So, not including Amazon.co.uk, or Amazon.de, or Amazon.fr, or Amazon.ca, or Amazon.co.jp, or Amazon.it, or Amazon.es, or even Amazon.cn. Neither do they count sales through Smashwords (from whom, incidentally, they have been banned for breaking site rules), or B&N, or Kobo, or Diesel, or itunes – all of which feature product by “untraditionally published authors”. So, therefore, as a bestseller list, it is pretty damn meaningless. Which, by definition, means that this here certificate is about as pointless as a sundial in a cave. Any author who displays this proudly on their site as a result of appearing on TWA(t)’s frankly spurious list might just as well give Bobby Fletcher and C Lee Nunn their bank details and house keys right now.
“Is it just us or is Victoria Strauss envious of the authors on our Best Sellers list?” The Wrong Agenda asks. Hmm. Good question. Do you think she’d swap the SFWA Service Award for one of these two-minutes-in-CorelDraw certificates? Fuck me, you’re stupid. Yeah, it’s just you, bookburners (incidentally, you haven’t said anything about that, you cowards. I’m beginning to think you’re actually frightened of me!).
“Please feel to send your comments to our attention.” Umm… how, exactly? You don’t appear to allow comments on your site. Not very fond of two-way debates, are you?
So, here’s the thing. I’m claiming this here certificate for myself. It’s mine. I’m an untraditionally published author, and The Write Agenda alleges to champion authors such as myself. I will display this certificate because it means absolutely nothing – I’m not on their funny-farm bestseller list, and I sell stuff on other channels besides Amazon. If the Write Agenda want it back, they’ll have to start communicating.